Quaintrelle

What does Hippo Time, Doris Day, and E+R=O have in common?  Read on for some clues as in this piece, I’m combining personal experience with a bit of a book review.

Many years ago, a colleague introduced me to Paul McGee’s book ‘S.U.M.O’.  (Capstone Publishing Ltd 2011) It stands for ‘Shut up, Move on’ and it’s all about not being a victim.  Now, McGee accepts that sometimes we are victims; of fraud, unjust behaviour, lost contracts, criminality etc, but instead of allowing us to wallow (for too long) in our victimhood, he encourages us to try out a number of techniques to ‘move on’ from what happened and respond positively.

There haven’t been many times in my life when I’ve felt like a ‘victim’, and worn the Tshirt with it emblazoned in big black letters.  However, a very personal experience recently left me firmly stuck in what McGee calls Hippo Time.  I kept recounting the story, both in my head and to other people, I plotted how I wanted to resolve things (and not in a positive way!), I kept thinking ‘if only’…..  You get the picture.  Luckily, I came across McGee’s book again at just the right time, and these are a few of my favourite tips.

• It is OK to have Hippo Time. It’s necessary to be heard – the problem comes when we become entrenched in this world as it really does stop us moving on.  So, when the retelling becomes a daily/hourly event, it’s time to consider something else.
• Watching our language is important – turning ‘There’s nothing I can do’ into ‘There’s always something I can do’, and ‘It’s impossible to change’ into ‘What are the possibilities?’ You may not have any answers, but simply asking the questions will open up possibilities.
• Taking responsibility for our response to an event is absolutely within our control. So when an event (E) happens, how we choose to respond (R) can directly influence the outcome (O).  We can choose to continue to feel like a victim, or choose another way.
• Looking at something from a different perspective can help. What would your favourite animal say about this situation?  What would it look like from the top of the highest building?
• Asking ourselves, ‘what would people think if they knew I was behaving like this?’ Now, some of you might say, ‘I don’t care what others think’, and largely I’d support this.  However, as I wondered what my partner or my best friend might say about how I was responding, I found myself thinking that they’d be sensitive, supportive, would allow my Hippo Time, but would then encourage me to find the way forward in one of the ways above.

If I’m honest, I still slip back into Hippo Time occasionally, but, generally, following the tips above, I’m taking off my victim Tshirt.  McGee’s style isn’t for everyone, but if you’ve found yourself wallowing for just a little too long, it’s worth checking out some of his solutions.

And what of Doris Day?  Well, that’s on page 162 of my copy.  Happy reading!!

There are many books and films about the subject of manifesting or the law of attraction.  One definition is ‘something that is put into your physical reality through thought, feelings, and beliefs’.  The Huffington Post even gives step by step instructions on how to do it.  As a young woman, this was something I really wanted to believe in, but felt completely sure that the only way to get lucky, was to make my own luck.  I think I spent years getting in my own way with my determination to do things……. well, my way.  There are many who distrust the ideas, believing that we really can’t control the universe in that way.  And, do we manifest the tragedy that happens in life?  I have even seen it described as victim blaming – we bring these things on ourselves.

Whether you believe in it or not, there is no doubt that being focused on our goal, being really clear in what we really want helps us to decide how to go about moving towards it.  As I’ve got older, I’ve had many experiences of using things like vision boards,  spider diagrams.  I’m not a fan of SMART objectives, but like this way.

What’s been very strange is that recently, having decided my bank balance needed a bit of a boost, I ‘put out there’ that I had space for some more work and income.  One of the ‘rules’ of manifesting is that it’s important to make the aim clear, then stop asking.  Now, that doesn’t mean that you just expect someone else to make your wish come true, it simply means that you don’t mither the universe to hurry up already.  In putting my thoughts out to the universe, I also actively told people I had space, confirmed appointments, arranged to meet some colleagues, and signed up for a networking event.  This is a key element of the whole process; with your goal in focus, get active in following up leads.

Within a few days, I had requests from clients lining up like I’d never imagined.  No, really, I hadn’t imagined it.  In my head, I’d thought I might get some more corporate client work, or some individual coaching work.  What’s come to my door (or my diary) is opportunities around horses.  Everything from individuals I haven’t heard from for years asking me to help them with their training through to being able to combine my knowledge of nlp with the equestrian community.  (this particular manifestation actually started some years ago when I completed my nlp Master Practitioner).  I’ve even been asked to write a guest blog for a colleague – no money in this yet, but as I love writing, I’ll take it as a positive.

Another important part of manifestation is to recognise when it’s beginning to appear.  I could easily have dismissed all this as part of my working life; after all, the ups and downs of being self-employed mean work doesn’t always come along evenly, but in fits and bursts.  But that would be to dismiss the power I have to be able to create my own work and luck.  As I’ve got older, I’ve become much more accepting of phenomena like manifesting.  Whether it’s the power of the universe, the power of focusing on my goals, or something in between, I really don’t mind.  And, I know I’ll be doing it again!

I was lucky to attend some of the sessions at the People Power Event in Newcastle a couple of days ago.  One of them was run by Miss Menopause (aka Sharon McArthur).  I was a bit disappointed that she didn’t begin her presentation by asking us what we call our vagina – a common intro for her apparently!!!  The question would have applied to all of us in the room as, apart from one late arrival, the audience was entirely female.  Not unusual probably.

Sharon is happy to speak to pretty much anyone on the subject of menopause, and spends her time at conferences like this, small and large businesses, across social media, and, indeed, local radio.  Her message was clear – we don’t talk about the menopause enough.  And, with all women who had had periods destined to go through this time of life, you might ask why it is that only 3% of business actively recognise some of the issues it can cause?  According to Sharon, it was only in 2015 that NICE issued guidance to GPs on how to offer support to patients.  So, for many women, even when they sought medical help, their needs weren’t recognised.

Many of us are familiar with some of the symptoms that fluctuating hormone levels can cause.  According to Sharon’s research, women have named 76 of them.  Many of them are physical, and quite commonly recognised such as hot flushes.  Some are psychological, eg increased anxiety for no apparent reason – the top one cited by many women.  And, some are simply the result of going through a major life change – indeed it’s this last one that prompted me to start this blog as it seemed to be the area even less ‘out there’ than the physical and emotional symptoms.

In an era when women are in the work place for longer – pension changes, social norms changing, life expectancy growing – it seems many businesses are missing a trick in not applying some focus on older women. (Some women have an early menopause for many reasons, but the average ag is 51).  I’m not really sure why it’s not recognised as an issue other than there are still fewer women than men in positions of authority across all sectors and, for many men, the menopause just doesn’t feature on their radar.  Or, does the issue start much earlier in life with ‘the talk’ on periods at school.  The boys of my generation who were excluded from this talk are the leaders, managers, CEOs of business today.  If they weren’t educated back then, that’s a life pattern set which could be hard to break.  It results in the major loss of talent from organisations as women remove themselves believing we’re no longer capable of fulfilling our role.  For those who stay, many may function below par as the changes our bodies go through clouds our thinking, exhausts us physically and leaves us isolated because no one acknowledges it.

Sharon’s session wasn’t long enough at the conference to flesh out how this situation can be fixed, so here are some thoughts;

• We have to keep talking about the menopause – it’s a natural process that all we women will go through and it shouldn’t carry stigma.
• Organisations and businesses need to keep inviting champions such as Sharon to help them bread some taboos.
• We need to share our experiences with those close to us, explain why we might be struggling with certain things.
• We need to be proactive in seeking support from medical staff when we need to
• Join other like-minded women to support each other. Sharon has a FB page under Miss Menopause.
• Policy at every level should take into account its impact on women in the menopause. Unintended consequences such as the change in pension age need to be recognised sooner.
• The well-being and mental health agenda should be expanded to feature the menopause.

Strictly speaking, the term menopause simply means not having a period for 12 consecutive months.  After this, we’re termed as being post-menopausal, even though the symptoms (or the magic as Sharon calls it!) don’t stop there. Some of the women Sharon has met on her odyssey have been in their late 80s and 90s, and still have symptoms.  However, she was quick to reassure us that the average length of the menopause is 7 years.  For some, it’ll be a breeze and there’ll be no major impact.  For many, the changes will be dramatic and possible sudden.  So, you’re not the only one, and no, we’re not going mad, we’re simply going through a natural process. However, we don’t need to suffer in silence.  Sharon urged everyone to seek medical advice where necessary, and ensure we speak to someone appropriate who will take us seriously.  Whilst this period in our lives can be life-changing, we don’t have to go it alone and we can help change lives for generations to come.

Thank you, Sharon, for bringing the subject of the menopause to life in such a candid and, well, normal conversation.  And, thank you to People Power for being far sighted enough to include Sharon in your list of speakers.  We look forward to many other local businesses inviting her along to the board room too!

There are many books and films about the subject of manifesting or the law of attraction.  One definition is ‘something that is put into your physical reality through thought, feelings, and beliefs’.  The Huffington Post even gives step by step instructions on how to do it.  As a young woman, this was something I really wanted to believe in, but felt completely sure that the only way to get lucky, was to make my own luck.  I think I spent years getting in my own way with my determination to do things my way.  There are many who distrust the ideas, believing that we really can’t control the universe in that way.  And, do we manifest the tragedy that happens in life?  I have even seen it described as victim blaming – we bring these things on ourselves.

Whether you believe in it or not, there is no doubt that being focused on our goal, being really clear in what we really want helps us to decide how to go about moving towards it.  As I’ve got older, I’ve had many experiences of using things like vision boards,  spider diagrams.  I’m not a fan of SMART objectives, but like this way.

What’s been very strange is that recently, having decided my bank balance needed a bit of a boost, I ‘put out there’ that I had space for some more work and income.  One of the ‘rules’ of manifesting is that it’s important to make the aim clear, then stop asking.  Now, that doesn’t mean that you just expect someone else to make your wish come true, it simply means that you don’t mither the universe to hurry up already.  In putting my thoughts out to the universe, I also actively told people I had space, confirmed appointments, arranged to meet some colleagues, and signed up for a networking event.  This is a key element of the whole process; with your goal in focus, get active in following up leads.  Another aspect that we can all control is that of ‘act as if’.  This requires us to behave as if our goal has already been reached.  So, I planned my diary and spoke about the opportunities I already have to work with great clients.

Within a few days, I had requests from clients lining up like I’d never imagined.  No, really, I hadn’t imagined it.  In my head, I’d thought I might get some more corporate client work, or some individual coaching work.  What’s come to my door (or my diary) is opportunities around horses.  Everything from individuals I haven’t heard from for years asking me to help them with their training through to being able to combine my knowledge of nlp with the equestrian community.  (this particular manifestation actually started some years ago when I completed my nlp Master Practitioner).  I’ve even been asked to write a guest blog for a colleague – no money in this yet, but as I love writing, I’ll take it as a positive.

Another important part of manifestation is to recognise when it’s beginning to appear.  I could easily have dismissed all this as part of my working life; after all, the ups and downs of being self employed mean work doesn’t always come along evenly, but in fits and bursts.  But that would be to dismiss the power I have to be able to create my own work and luck.  As I’ve got older, I’ve become much more accepting of phenomena like manifesting.  Whether it’s the power of the universe, the power of focusing on my goals, or something in between, I really don’t mind.  And, I know I’ll be doing it again!

I’ve been around horses since I was nine years old.  I don’t come from a horsey family, so it’s a mystery as to why I fell under the spell of these glorious animals.  My Nanna said she liked horses, but no one had been involved with them, no one had been on a horse, and quite frankly, they weren’t interested!  I clearly remember my first lesson at Murton Equestrian Centre (or riding school as it was then).  Or, at least I remember that it didn’t happen as my Mum’s car broke down on the way.  I was, as you can imagine, devastated!

Luckily, we were able to rebook for the week after, and so my journey with horses began.  I really can’t explain what it was that kept me returning week after week.  It was my highlight.  Through all the bites, kicks, falls that ended me in hospital; the wind, rain and snow; having to cycle there as my parents were big on making me take responsibility for getting what I wanted.  Even cycling home with the saddle perched on my handlebars as I had to clean it for a show the next day.

For years, I helped out at the stables, eventually taking on teaching responsibilities and becoming a member of staff doing my qualifications.  However, I always had a ‘serious’ and ‘proper’ job which paid for my equine obsession.  I had a fabulous ‘proper’ career, eventually taking redundancy at a crucial time in my life, starting my own business as People Development Specialist.  And, yet, throughout this time, horses were a constant in the background.  I didn’t have my first horse till I was in my 30s, and then she was on loan from a good friend.  The first horse I owned was an ex racer who was a wise old chap.  Many of you will know Sheridan, my Blue Cross boy, who is now enjoying his retirement whilst I bring on my youngster who came to live with us in February.

And, during this time, I came across Equine Facilitated Development.  It’s a phenomenon that was first named in the States, but in reality has been going on for years in an informal capacity.  Stepney Bank Stables in Newcastle recognised many years ago the power of horses in helping disadvantaged youngsters become more confident and resilient.  The young volunteers spend their time caring for the horses and helping customers with their learning in the British Horse Society approved school.  Working with horses can range from formal psychotherapy through to simply hanging out at the stables like I (and many other youngsters) did during my teenage years.

Whilst I still do much work outside of horses such as facilitating, training, and working with corporate clients, my interest in the equestrian world led me to see how I could combine my knowledge of developing people, and my passion for horses in a project called Gallop4Growth.  How lucky am I?  Clients come to the stables to meet their equine partner and we spend time exploring the horse’s world and how this might reflect what is going on in the client’s life.  There are many ways the horse can support an individual and conversations range from relationships, promotions, mental health, becoming confident and many, many more.  Because horses are excellent at reflecting our own emotions, their response helps us gain insight.  They’re completely congruent so can help us focus and not get lost in our own anxieties.  I combine this Gallop4Growth project with continuing to train people with their own horses, whether they’re grass roots riders or those aiming to make horses their own career.

So, is this now my ‘proper’ job?  Having lived most of my life in a corporate world, I’ll admit it’s been difficult to move into a more unconventional life. My family, and many of my friends know me as the senior manager in the public sector, and I had a particular professional image and reputation. I’m not sure I’ve yet made the leap completely and do sometimes feel it necessary to hang onto some semblance of ‘normal’.  There are many from my ‘old’ life who I no longer have contact with, and yet I’ve met some amazing new friends and colleagues.  And, the more I do this ‘new’ work, the more I feel at home.  The more I feel like I’m following my heart. The more I feel like this is what I’m here to do.  It feels like an easy path to follow (although the work isn’t easy at times).  It feels like there’s a flow to my work, and a flow to my life.  So, maybe I’ve become more accepting of this ‘new’ life.  It feels like home.  And, I’m going to wholeheartedly step into that role, and continue to follow my heart.

I’ve had a couple of experiences over the last few years where I’ve lost my voice, usually following a cold or some sort of virus.  It’s been the weirdest of things which would probably have really rattled me in my younger years.  A couple of times, my voice disappeared completely, and then there were times when it was very quiet and whispery.  Having just recovered from a bout, I’ve been reflecting on the experience.  I know that some people experience changes in their voice due to stress as we experience emotions both physically as well as mentally.  What I’ve experienced has always been in conjunction with some other physical illness, but the impact is similar.

I live in a fairly quiet world anyway.  I’m always the one turning the radio and TV down.  Loud music at concerts makes me cringe.  Shouting isn’t my thing (despite coaching horse riding regularly!). I love nothing more than simply being at home or in the garden or at the stables with my dogs and horses.  One of the things I noticed when I’d lost my voice was that everyone spoke to me quietly too.  It was almost like because they had to really focus and listen to what I was saying, they could be softer in their replies.  This made for some quite intense conversations, even when the subject wasn’t particularly of significance, and I really enjoyed the connection that it brought.

Related to this was the fact that we had to really look at each other during conversations to make sure that visual clues were recognised as there was no opportunity to start a sentence to take my place in the discussion.  Wow, that was powerful.  It made me realise that, mostly, I don’t really look at someone as they’re speaking to me.  Quite significant!

Because I couldn’t waste words, I really had to think about what I wanted to say.  I was really limited, so I had to get my message over very quickly and concisely.  There was lots I didn’t say, and, actually, I don’t think it made a huge difference.  I had to place more value on exactly what I did say; that made me think!!

You’d think that having such a quiet voice (or none at all) would be noticeable, but there were many people who didn’t make any comment at all.  Those I knew, and friends, appeared more comfortable, but in shops or other public places, I felt that they weren’t quite sure whether or not it was OK to comment.  It seemed like a very large elephant in the room to me, so I usually made a comment myself to put them at ease.  Is this what it is like to have a noticeable disability, where there’s some discomfort about whether or not to acknowledge it?

I think the biggest impact was that I actually felt a little afraid.  What if I needed to get help and I couldn’t?  What if I REALLY needed to be heard and I couldn’t get the words out?  I think this is what would have shaken me in my younger days.  I don’t think I would have been confident enough to deal with it, whereas now, I feel much more able to find other ways of dealing with it.

As you know, I’m always the one who looks for the positive to take away from any situation, and although I’m not suggesting that losing my voice is a good thing, I did, somehow, find it interesting to notice the impact it had on my life.  Whisperingly yours……….

When I was young, I never enjoyed sport.  I was always the last to be picked for teams at school.  I only made it round the cross country course by taking hours over it.  I felt like I was completely unco-ordinated and couldn’t find my ‘thing’.  Netball was the only thing that sparked any joy in the games timetable, and that was because I could pretty much block any attempts at goal due  to my height. Luckily, as I got older, I no longer had to take part in these compulsory humiliation sessions.

Out of school, the one thing that I became obsessed with was horses.  Now, some wouldn’t call it a sport, and, indeed, the actual riding bit takes up a fraction of the time required.  By the time everything is clean, tidy, looked after, swept up, washed down, fed etc etc it was usually just time to go home for a bath.  However, this didn’t put me off spending all my free time at the stables.  Mum and Dad were delighted as they got free child care for many years!!

I’ve continued this love affair with horses all of my life and now make a living with them.  However, my other attempts at sport have waxed and waned.  I’ve flirted with squash, swimming, tennis, Zumba, running, water sports; even spent a few years slavishly attending the gym four days a week.  I always hankered after being able to do yoga or pilates, but always got frustrated that they weren’t ‘doing’ sports.  Sitting still for long enough was hard work, and as for the relaxation part that usually ended a session – nooooooo!

And, then a very strange thing happened.  My Bowen practitioner encouraged me to do pilates to help strengthen my core, dually dealing with a residual whiplash injury and helping refine my riding skills.  And, I got hooked.  I still don’t know what it was, and I eventually moved onto yoga, but now I get an ‘itch’ if I haven’t had my fix.  It’s hard work to be disciplined to do it sometimes, but I know if I’ve missed a few days, I can feel the difference.  And, it’s not just physical.  The physical benefits are amazing with more suppleness, body working more efficiently and with ease.  But the mental benefits were the biggest surprise.  In focusing on my breathing, and on how my body is feeling, I forget about anything else going on and find a stillness I don’t get anywhere else. I’m always able to work much better afterwards, often finding my imagination is firing effectively.  I’m usually following a class, so have to concentrate to keep up.  I’m noticing how my body feels and understanding it better, therefore feeling more connected to it. The sense of grounding (it’s great to do it in bare feet on grass) provides a stillness and a feeling of being part of something bigger than me.  And, finally, there’s the sense of achievement and satisfaction when I’ve completed my practice.

Now, some of these were available whatever sport I tried.  But the depth of the emotional connection and flow is unique to yoga for me.  I’m not sure if it’s a menopause thing; possibly just an age thing.  Looking for different things out of life.  However, I’m going with that Vinyasa for now until something else takes my fancy.

I heard a new term today; ‘shapewear’.  Now I think about it, it probably does what it says on the tin.  Swimwear is for swimming; shapewear is for, well, shaping! I guess we’ve all had those ‘big knickers’ for holding it in, pushing it up, spreading it out, but it now seems that it’s become a lot more elegant, and market worthy.  It comes alongside the term ‘underwear solutions’.  Oh dear. Since when did undies become so complicated – and such a subject of feminist debate?

The history of ‘shapewear’ (I can’t help putting it in inverted commas!) is long, starting possibly as long ago as 1,600 BC.  The garments have been made with the likes of steel and whalebone, and at some points in history, have been bestowed with magical properties. If, like me, you thought corsets had gone out in the early 20^th century with an increase in demand for the steel for industry, and then war, you’d be wrong.   Apparently, it’s just been underground (or under clothes??) for a while, and has now reappeared as an elegant must-have for all happening women.  Especially those of a certain age.

The fashions have been through changes; from ‘voluptuous bosom atop a teensy waist’ of the Victorian age through ‘thin being in’ in the 1920s and ‘30s.  The Second World War brought lighter garments made out of less fabric due to fewer resources available, and some included secret pockets for those all-important documents.  The pin up girls of the 1950s made popular the cantilevered bra and a return to the kind of under garments we know (well, some of us apparently) today.  The 1960s saw a great loosening of the stays (along with a loosening of other things too???) Extreme thinness became the order of the day in the 1990s with women wearing undies promising a shrink of two sizes without missing a chocolate biscuit.  More recently, ‘body confidence’ and ‘body positivity’ have become watchwords, and, although shapewear is still very much sought after, it’s more often used for comfort rather than to achieve a certain image.  Spanx is probably one of the main names you’d think of (although other brands are available – so I understand!) One example of this emphasis on comfort is the design of underwear to include fabric that prevents thighs rubbing together.

So, how is this relevant to a woman such as Quaintrelle?  Women of my age will recognise the changes in shape our bodies go through.  The waist can thicken; gravity takes over on other parts, and it can all feel a little depressing.  It almost feels as if the body is ahead of the psychology; an undeniable sign that aging is definitely a thing.  So, there’s no wonder that many of us reach for the spandex and elastic (though thankfully no longer whale-bone) to recapture those heady days when they weren’t really needed.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women feeling and looking good.  Most of us will own what would be thought of as standard underwear such as bras and knickers; M&S is a favourite.  At what point does it stop being standard and become something less acceptable.   At what point does it become a feminist issue of conforming to society’s (replace with men’s) expectations.  A personal choice I think – but there aren’t any in my drawers!!  I can’t help but wonder if we wouldn’t be better allowing our psychology to catch up, although this might seem like a swim against the tide if you’re exposed to any marketing or social media.

Accepting yourself as you are doesn’t mean you have to like it, nor that you’re forbidden for wanting to change it.  It’s a starting point that everything you’ve experienced in your life has brought you to where you are today. I’m aiming for progress, not perfection in this area!!  But I’ll not be buying any shapewear any time soon!

This blog was inspired by my hairdresser saying exactly this.  Whilst she’s a few years younger than me, we share tales of HRT, the devastating impact on our figures of getting older and whether or not to stop dyeing our hair.  A couple of months ago, while she wrestled with my locks, she commented that she knew she was getting older as she can now walk past a building site and be very sad that the builders don’t even look up, never mind whistle any more.  This really chimed with me!  I’ve never considered myself pretty, but could be quite confident about turning a head or two when out and about, especially if dressed for work (smart suit, high heels, full make up etc).  But the last few years have taken their toll apparently, and now the only person paying me any attention is someone needing help to cross the road.

Now, I do appreciate the reality that wolf whistles can be seen as aggressive, and to have unwanted sexual overtones.  Indeed, the recent suggestion that wolf whistling should be seen as a hate crime indicates how much it is disliked by many people, and there has been some research to say that men have changed their behaviour in recent times for fear of being labelled sexist or worse and being sent for gender sensitivity training. It’s true that any unwanted behaviour is unacceptable and should be stopped immediately, especially that which demeans and objectifies people. However, I’ve never experienced it like this, and it’s always served as a confidence booster, an indicator that someone finds me attractive.  And I’m using it here more as a metaphor.

So, why is it so important to me that it began to happen less and less?  In reality, it’s about much more than a wolf whistle.  Something happens when you reach a certain age (and it’ll be different for everyone).  Suddenly, I’m asking ‘Who am I?’, ‘What’s my role in life?’, ‘What do I really want out of life?’  This will be quite familiar in the context of empty nesters, but that doesn’t apply here.  There are many psychological theories about life stages which describe this transition stage, commonly spoken of as a mid-life crisis.  I have been through some life changing experiences, not least nursing my husband for some time before he died, and taking redundancy from an organisation I’d been in for 20 years, and thought I’d be in for the next 20.  Those kinds of things can take their toll.  Unconsciously, since that time, I’ve really focused on what I really want out of life; how do I want to live; with whom do I want to spend my time.  And, when I looked up, things had changed.  In the time I’d spend re-engineering my life, I’d disappeared!

Or, had I?  When I’ve given it more thought, I’ve realised that, whilst I might not be so significant to the outside world, I’ve become more significant to my inside world.  I know members of my family much better than I ever did, and have loved forming a precious bond with my great nephew. I have amazing relationships with fewer friends, and know I can rely on them no matter what.  I love my house, and have it arranged just how I want it.  I can spend all the time I want with my dogs and horse without worrying what people think.  I’m doing work that I adore, and really feel like I’m adding value to people’s lives.  So, far from disappearing, I’ve just become more whole in the places that matter to me.  I’m not pretending that getting an admiring glance isn’t welcome; it still does wonders for my self-esteem.  I guess what I’m saying is that it no longer defines me, I no longer rely on it for my happiness, I don’t feel that I have to chase the feeling.  It feels very peaceful.

A quick search of Google (other search engines are available) for fashion for the older woman brings pictures of perfectly quaffed models wearing the latest trends.  Luckily for us all, ‘fashion’ is so flexible these days.  From jeans to suits, from ankle length trews to mid-calf dresses.  If you’re anything like me, fashion has been anathema to me for most of my life.  Anyone else spent time in shoes that were really not meant for feet, and a dress that fitted so you had to breath in all night?

Thankfully, I’ve been able to spend much of my time adhering to ‘uniforms’ of one sort or another.  First school uniform, then business wear. Even my life outside of work was spent in jodhpurs for my hobby of horses.  The thought of nights out or other social occasions were always accompanied by a panic about what to wear, and many a night where all of my wardrobe was spread over my bed looking for SOMETHING.  ANYTHING. to wear!. What if I didn’t fit it?  What if I wore something smart, and they were all casual?  I really had no idea of fashion, or what suited me.  Most of my purchases were dictated by price, although shoes were usually dictated by what was available in my size.   When I was young, size 7s only came in black lace ups, hence me spending time in smaller ‘fashion’ shoes that any podiatrist would have been horrified at.

As time’s gone on, I’ve noticed It’s become less of a stressful area in my life, and when I’ve considered the reasons why, I’ve noticed that, largely, I’ve adopted my very own uniform!  I still spend quite a lot of time wearing jodhpurs (the ones I’ve had for several years as there’s nothing wrong with them, so why would I change them??? You’ll notice this is a theme for me from earlier blogs!) as an equestrian coach.  My excuse is that I’m aiming for that capsule wardrobe that Susannah and Trinny talked about in ‘What not to Wear’. Then, there are the leggings of various colours (when does one become too old for leggings?) to be worn with long tops and jumpers and boots.  Hmm. Not painting a great picture here!  There are some smarter clothes for those (rare) evenings out.  And, I’ve realised what they’ve all got in common – elastic of some sort!!!  Stretch in the waist.  Stretch in the fabric.  Oh, glorious elastic!!

Generally, I’ve concluded that if it fits your shape, you like the colour and it’s comfortable, wear what you like!!!  Or we could all take Gok Wan’s advice and just look good naked? I like this quote from Adam Pringle; ‘As long as what fashion you choose to wear is dignified and doesn’t break any laws of indecency, then you just be you.’  I think elastic is very dignified!