FoMO to JoMO

Tracey

I came across a term recently that really made me sit up and take notice.  FoMO.  Have you heard of it?  It stands for the Fear of Missing Out, and apparently officially entered the dictionary in 2013.  It was in the context for teenagers and young people and their ‘addiction’ to social media that I heard it.

There are many studies that have looked at the negative impact of social media and have cited it as contributing to much unhappiness, and even suicide in the case of cyber bullying.  This contributes to FoMO because we all see what wonderful lives other people have, whilst our own is pretty mundane. As Erica Jong once said: “Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.”  Even Google is looking into ways of helping people disconnect from social media with timing out apps etc.  https://www.blog.google/products/android/search-jomo-new-research-digital-wellbeing/

I recognise, however, that I could have been given the FoMO diagnosis at various times in my life – way before the advent of FB, Twitter and any other social media that I (thankfully) don’t know much about.

Of course, it’s sometimes good to see what else is possible as it can act as a motivator.  It’s when the possibilities overwhelm us and we feel we HAVE to keep up that problems can start.  I can remember the day when I realised that life can’t be completely ordered, that it’s unpredictable, and that choices I make today might be wrong.  It was a scary realisation and one of the major stages of growing up, I guess.  But this didn’t completely stop me looking at other people’s lives and wishing it were mine, or comparing what I was doing to someone else and thinking I just didn’t measure up.

The consequences of constantly telling ourselves that we’re not good enough can be far-reaching.  The damage to self-esteem can be immense for starters.  That self-talk can be so powerful.  There are even experiments on the impact it can have on plants, so imagine how it can affect us.

FoMO can create a great deal of anxiety. We should be doing more; we should fit more in; we should have more to show for our lives etc etc.  So, we dash about more; cram more into our day; do more things at the same time.

Social comparison (whether we do it on-line or not) seems sufficiently destructive to our sense of well-being that it is worthwhile to remind ourselves to do it less.  As Swarthmore professor Barry Schwartz writes in his excellent book, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less it can be useful to pay no attention to what others around you are doing as then you can’t compare.

It’s not just social media that’s the ogre here; that just makes the images and information more accessible.  FoMO can also be created by too much choice.  Now, whilst helping clients create choice is one of the fundamentals of my coaching practice, most of us will have thought about the ‘good old days’ when life was simpler and choices were easier as there wasn’t so much ……. well, choice!

When we have less choice, our expectations tend not to be so high about the outcome.  Therefore, whatever happens, we tend to be more satisfied and are indeed often pleasantly surprised.  When we have more choice, our expectation is that our choice is absolutely going to give us what we want, and we’re never pleasantly surprised; indeed we’re often disappointed when it’s not perfect.

If there’s not so much choice to start with, if it doesn’t work out the responsibility lies with someone ‘other’ as we just did the best we could. If we have so much choice, surely one of them must be perfect.  If it’s not, the result can be that we made a bad choice; that we’ve failed in some way, especially when someone then points out a ‘better’ option!

If what we get is disappointing, we feel we might have missed out on the perfect solution, and this then creates further dissatisfaction with what we do have.

One major downside of FoMO is that we stop paying attention to our life; we’re too busy paying attention to someone else’s.  As I become more aware of my own mortality, there’s a dawning realisation that I won’t be here forever, and I have to make the most.  Cliché I know, but it’s true.  And, whilst I’m in no way reckless about life (I earned a living as a Risk Management Advisor, remember!!) I am starting to see the value of who I am, rather than who I think I should be. Of course, understanding that, and doing it are two different things!!

There are two things I’m focusing on this year which will help combat my own FoMO;

1; connect often and meaningfully with friends and others who may become friends

2; focus on what needs to be done and blend out distractions so I feel that sense of achievement

Now, there is no doubt that some choice is better than none, but, I think we can agree that more choice doesn’t necessarily make it better.  Barry Schwarz aligns this to the value of living in a goldfish bowl.  Obviously, quite a big bowl, but a bowl never-the-less with boundaries that help us to narrow our choices.

If I’m honest, I can’t say I’ve fully transitioned from FoMO to JoMO, but I’m sure as heck working on it; and looking for my fishbowl.

My Crochet Habit

Tracey

Earlier this year, I started going to crochet workshops.  Yep, definitely middle aged!  I crocheted and knitted as a child with my Mum, and in later years took to cross stitch.  I even cross stitched our wedding party invitations.  I do other crafts such as card making too, and was attracted back to crochet as I wanted to make some octopals to donate to premature babies in hospital.  Of course, I thought I’d be able to make them after just one workshop, until Helen (oh patient one!) kindly explained that, actually, they’re quite difficult, and maybe I should practice other things first.  I was a bit frustrated as I really wanted my work to add value to someone’s life, not just make something to collect dust in my house. (this is a theme you’ll see in other blogs!)  Luckily, there have been a couple of projects to get involved in, including crocheting poppies to celebrate the centenary of the end of WW1, and blankets for those premature babies in hospital.  I also made a baby blanket for a friend, and a dickie for a recent visit to Moscow (you’ll have to look that one up in you want to know what it is!!)  My family and friends can be reassured that I won’t be making them jumpers for presents though!

I had a mixed response when people found out I was crocheting.  Some thought it was just something ‘old’ people did, and some said ‘oh, I’d love to do that!’ For me, as well as it being a useful pastime, I feel like it connects me somehow to times gone by, (including to my Mum), and a sense of tradition which has become increasingly important to me as I’ve got older.  The connection with women is awesome too.  In the ‘knit and natter’ groups I find women (mainly) who come together under a shared interest, then realise that we have so much in common.  We may be all ages, all socio-economic groups, but we all have a shared experience of being a woman! It’s fascinating and supportive, and I’ve made a couple of good friends.

Crochet and knitting are, themselves, amazing.  And, there’s quite a lot of research (much from the States) about its therapeutic value; whole books have been written about it and there’s even an equation to demonstrate how it works! Too much to go into here, but if you’d like to find out more about how it works, this link will help.  http://www.stitchlinks.com/

It looks like crochet is about to become more than just an enjoyable thing for me to do as I’m about to launch (inspired by, and in partnership with, patient Helen) some coaching crochet (coachet – thanks, Richard, for the inspiration for this) sessions.  They’ll be called ‘Stitched Together’, and will do as it says on the tin; combine the positive impacts of the stitching with elegant coaching conversation to help participants grow and flourish.  We’re running taster sessions at the moment, then will approach organisations who want to run innovative workshops to help participants thrive and develop effective strategies for well-being. If you’re interested in finding out more, please just get in touch.

My new Best Friend

Tracey

I’ve used these two images to demonstrate a major change that’s happened for me over the last few years.  I’ve dyed my hair since forever.  Granted in my twenties it was usually to reflect fashion and was anything from blond to red to brunette depending on the mood.  I clearly remember the first time I dyed it with permanent dye.  I was at college, and it took so long that I had to miss a lecture!  In my thirties, the hair colour became a little more conventional, but with a different purpose; covering the grey.  I was gutted that I had grey hair – I was so not ready to be ‘old’.  It was only ‘old’ people who had grey hair, yes? I felt so self-conscious when my roots were on show, and it had a huge impact on my self-confidence. When I thought about why this was having such a major impact, I realised that my hair had a major impact on my self-image.  Not just the colour, but the style, cut and length.  This has been documented through history with links to a woman’s femininity, identity, freedom, beauty. And, don’t get me started on the number of adverts on TV designed to make us buy a multitude of hair products and dyes as we’re somehow inadequate and failing without them.  There are also many cultures who value hair very highly, sometimes meaning that it is only to be seen by the woman’s husband.

In the end, during my forties, it became an ever-decreasing circle of feeling confident when I’d just put a colour on, but then within a few days despairing that the grey was showing through again.  A few times, I stopped with the colour, thinking I’d just let the grey grow through, but always chickened out!  And, there were a few weird results with dye (both at the hairdresser and at home); there were definitely orange tones amongst them – a colour I’ve seen described as ‘blorange’. Then, I discovered the spray on colour above – and it was a life saver for years!!  Even with the grey growing through, I could disguise it easily!

Eventually, enough was enough, and earlier this year, I decided it was time to stop.  The fashion for silver hair helped – could I really be in fashion with my grey locks? I also discovered the hideous number of chemicals in hair dye that I was absorbing through my scalp and the amount of time I spent deciding what colour I needed, finding it, then actually putting it on was way more than it should have been.  And, ultimately and probably most importantly, I felt it was time to acknowledge the real me.  I’m not against using makeup or cosmetics, but it was time for my hair to become real.

Interestingly, my hair dresser wasn’t a fan of the decision, and still can’t believe that I’ve stuck with it.  Having said that, she fully supported me and helped by styling it so the remains of the colour was cut out as soon as possible and so it still looked modern.  My partner wasn’t so sure either.  He’d always with brown hair (or variations on that theme).  My close friends were extremely supportive and have been very complimentary with the finished result. You might say, ‘well they would be, wouldn’t they?’, but my friends are the type who would tell me what they think!

So, now the silver shampoo is my best friend to bring out the best grey in me! And, it’s a no to hair dye.  Not quite ready for a pink or blue rinse yet, but watch this space!!

Bringing Sanity via a Bin Bag

Tracey

My partner recently fixed a shelf for me in my study.  It had been a bit wobbly on the wall for weeks.  OK, months.  Now, my DIY skills are such that our routine consists of me fixing something, then him following me round….. well….. fixing it!  So, I left this one to him.  It was a very straight forward job apparently, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the difference it made to the room.

For months, I had been pushing things to the back of the shelf every day as they’d slipped forward as the shelf got more precarious.  It had become quite a routine.  Switch on the laptop, push things back up the shelf.  Eventually, I had to move most things off it as they just ended up falling off.  So, then suddenly I had a shelf that was straight, and things stayed on it.  I had a wonderful half an hour sorting out what I wanted to keep, and putting everything back and arranging it in its rightful place.  And, for some reason, the room looks completely different.  It looks organised; it looks professional; it looks tidy and clean.  And, a little bit of the fog in my brain lifted somehow.

A couple of good friends have recently shared experiences of having a good old clear out, and we all agreed that it’s so therapeutic; even when it’.  How come it has such a major impact?  There are lots of ways of thinking about it, but some of the most common are;

  1. It lets you see your precious items as they’re not hidden away.
  2. It gives you access to all the things you need quickly, and can save you time
  3. Stuff can weigh heavily on our energy levels – reducing stuff can free up energy
  4. It can make you money if you sell rather than throw/donate
  5. It can give you a great feeling knowing that a local charity will benefit from the stuff you don’t want (or even knew you had!!)

I’ve realised I’m just talking about physical stuff here – many people come for coaching to declutter emotional and mental stuff too.  And, it has the most amazing impact. ‘Outer order has indeed contributed to inner calm’ Ryan Nicodemus. Holding onto anger and resentment means there’s no space for creativity, calm and imagination.  Remaining in unhealthy relationships takes lots of energy which leaves less for meeting the people who will help you be your best you.

So, once the decluttering is done, there are a couple of really simple things you can do to keep it that way;

The first one is very powerful; imagine what you want your room/mind/life/space to look like when you’re finished.  This can serve as a great motivator to keep going, even when you’re tempted to hang onto all that stuff.  Make it as clear as you can; colours, sounds, size, people, activity, season etc as this will make it even easier to work towards.

The second one is one I love and can be applied to whatever you’re doing/buying/investing in/thinking.  Ask yourself, how will this item/activity/thought etc help move me forwards to where I want to be in life?  If it won’t, or it’s not adding much value – ditch it!  Or, it’ll end up in your wardrobe/mind/display cabinet for life!!

It feels very relevant that I’m writing this in the New Year as its’ a perfect time to begin.  If anyone is looking for me, I’m the one with the roll of bin bags!!

I’m not a feminist but…..

Tracey

If you’re a similar age to me, you’ll have grown up during a time when women ‘having it all’ has been a constant theme.  Whether you’re an advocate of this concept or not, there is no doubt in my mind that it has marked a significant change in the role of women in society.  Many of you will be familiar with the Good Housekeeping ‘Good Wife’s Guide’ in the 1950s with instructions about having dinner ready, looking pretty, keeping the children quiet etc.

The 1960s brought a decade of contrasts.  On the surface, the world opened up for women; abortion becoming legal, seemingly giving women more control over our bodies than ever before.  The availability of the pill (though only for married women); women joining the workforce more readily (although let’s not forget our role during both world wars); and challenges to the status quo of equal pay and equal rights began (women at Dagenham went on strike in 1968 leading to Equal Pay Act of 1970). On the other hand, an exaggerated vision of femininity was still held up as the ideal, (think Bunny Girls) finding sexism and racism as the norm in many places.  As a child, I do remember many of the hangover traditions such as Sunday night being bath night, and Monday washing day.  And, Mum was in charge of it all.

The 1970s saw the first protest at Miss World Competitions and the first National Women’s Liberation Conference.  It was also a time of national Rape Crisis Centres, much literature supporting women, the general availability of the pill, and the creation of groups campaigning for women’s rights. The first feminist publishing house, Virago, emerged to put women’s writing on the map.  The world had opened up for women.  Supposedly.

It wasn’t until the late 80s when education truly became equal with legislation banning discrimination of access to grammar schools for girls. The 80s have also been known as second wave feminism where the focus was less on gender rights, and more on issues such as domestic abuse and sexual violence.  And, wait for it, in the 90s, third wave feminism brought to light areas such as women’s role and rights in pornography, and having our say in defining and claiming our sexuality. This theme has continued into the new millennium with the likes of the #MeToo campaign.

Throughout all of this, I was blessed with parents who encouraged me to do whatever I wanted to with my life, and did all they could to give me the skills and knowledge to do just that.  My mum had a career as a teacher as well as being a mum, so was a great role model of being able to do both.  My dad simply constantly believed in me (and at one time this included my lofty aspirations to be a pilot!!) and was right there whenever I needed him. I count myself very lucky.

So, where is feminism today?  Some say that women have gained freedoms, but kept all the old responsibilities.  Others ask why we still need feminism.  Some say the pendulum has swung too far the other way.  As to whether or not I’m a feminist, I’ve always said that I’m not, but absolutely support everything about giving women freedom of choice.  At one time (coinciding with the time when I ran a service for women who had been sexually assaulted), I do remember being quite vocal about women’s issues in general. And I absolutely support equality, human dignity and self-determination for women. But I don’t believe in this at any price; not at the cost of others.  There are many other groups in the world who deserve exactly the same but don’t always get it – men, black women, people of varied sexuality to name but a few. And, I believe we all deserve the same.  We all deserve to have our basic needs met, needs such as fresh, clean water, nourishing food, good relationships, quality sleep, somewhere safe to stay etc.  If this is still an unmet need for anyone, then it’s got to be worth campaigning for, yes?

And, Positive Psychology?

Tracey

So, I have a subject, and a name. Let’s make a start. I said I’d explain the link with positive psychology. Positive psychology is, essentially, the study of happiness and the ability to thrive throughout life; it’s about what makes life worth living. It’s about using all of our strengths, skills and knowledge to help us deal with life’s ups and downs. It’s not simply a recycled version of the power of positive thinking; it’s a science with published, peer reviewed papers on experiments that have proved the theory. It’s founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, and helps develop our personal resources to bounce back from adversity. PP first came into focus in my life about seven years ago when I was studying for my MSc in Business Psychology. Suddenly, I had a name for all the things I believed in about how to live life. And, it was super important during the next couple of years as I survived redundancy and losing my husband of 24 years. As you can imagine, this time saw many ups and downs (often more downs than ups) and I had to dig deep to draw on my resilience (as well as many friends, and of course, my family) to help me through. These are two fairly major examples of how positive psychology can help, but as I’ve found out more about it, and branched off into other areas such as NLP, neuro-psychology, Life Clubs™ and Happy Brain™, it’s become much more of a way of life. Over the coming blogs, I’ll write about other examples of how it’s helped in everyday life, as well as other musings on life of this Quaintrelle!

What’s in a Name?

Tracey

The second dilemma was what to call it.  I even did one of those brain dumps that all good facilitators can get high level executives to do – you know, the one with the post-its and the flip chart?  There were some very interesting options, including some swearing.  In doing the reading around the subject, I came across the term ‘quaintrelle’.  Its definition is ‘A woman who emphasizes a life of passion expressed through personal style, leisurely pastimes, charm, and a cultivation of life’s pleasures.’ I really like that.  I can hear some of you responding with ‘how frivolous’, ‘I haven’t got time to relax and pursue leisurely pass-times’.  I hope as you keep reading, you’ll see that I live an ordinary life.  I work hard, I give time to charity, I spend time with friends, I cry over sad things, I worry over worrying things, I rant over unfair things.  Very ordinary.  I like the good things in life, but will readily hang onto something because it’s not worn out yet, however dated it may seem.  This name says more about the attitude with which I try and do these things, the focus I bring to how I live life.  And, one of the things that seemed to chime in this name was its links with Positive Psychology.  This is a mainstay of my coaching business, and I’ll explain more next time about its relevance. So, that’s how this blog got its name.  And, believe me, there were some that were very inappropriate!!!

Welcome to Quaintrelle

Tracey

The best advice about writing a blog is to write about what you know. However, my first dilemma about this one was to decide what it’s ACTUALLY about. It’s not really about aging; it’s not about the menopause; I don’t think it’s really about going through a mid-life crisis, and it’s certainly not setting out to be political or feminist. So, I know what’s it’s not although, all of the above do seem relevant as I can’t escape that I’m 51. In trying to pin it down, it’s more about a time of personal change, development, growth, exploration, experimentation, emergence, seeing things through a different lens. A bit like Adrian Mole, but probably not as articulate, or funny, as Sue Townsend. And without the prostate.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about what it’s like to be this woman of a certain age, and whilst there is a lot on the physical experience of the menopause; the anxiety and depression that can occur; the implications for our sex lives, and much from a feminist perspective of aging, there didn’t seem to be much from a personal perspective. And, I guess this is the one I know the best. I found Menopause Cafes set up in organisations (yes, really) where women can seek support and advice from each other, influential women like Kirsty Wark sharing their experiences, and much more in the media, and our homes, around those conversations, but none of them were specific to me. And, whilst I think they’re all much needed to help keep the subject in focus, this is about much more than the menopause.

The more I talk to friends (albeit mainly female) of a certain age, the more I recognise themes of what it’s like to be a woman of a certain age in the early part of the 21st century. And some of the reflections could probably be written 100 years ago too. So, I hope you recognise some of the highs, lows, laughs, pain, and, at times, controversy. Whilst this is purely writing for me (how self-centred and hedonistic?), feel free to join in and share your experiences too.